by BRIANNA WIEST*
There’s an ancient parable that goes something like this: judge not by what they say, but what they order at the coffee shop in the morning. Coffee, like pizza, is the great equalizer. There are few people who cannot relate to the experience of having your will to live revived by a latte in the morning, or the bitter reality of your debit card status at the end of the month ($5+ each day adds up more than you’d think).
You are what you eat, and more importantly, you are what fancy drink you want to be seen with during the day, and so it seems nothing short of completely appropriate that we could dissect personalities via a coffee order. Whether you’re trying to determine if a friend is truly who you think they are, or if a significant other actually has a soul, a really good way to find out is by observing what they head out of the local coffee shop with.
Now, while this may not necessarily apply to everyone, it undoubtedly applies to a solid majority at least. Stereotypes are not born of nothing, and even if your Chai addiction has nothing to do with your love of organic wine and vinyl records and high top shoes, you can probably find it within yourself to at least acknowledge the #Truth. Here, the definitive guide to what your coffee order says about your personality:
Black
You’re driven. You know what you want in life and you’re willing to suffer for it a little. You’re the tell-it-like-it-is friend, the one who is selective about the people in her life but completely loyal to those who she lets into her inner circle.
Chai Latte
It’s not that you’re a vinyl-listening, beanie-wearing, indie-pop loving hipster, but you are a little. Though you don’t consider yourself a full-blown Brooklynite-wannabe, you can see how some of your sartorial choices would indicate otherwise at times. You love cool, unique things, and always want to be just a little bit different (while struggling profoundly with how much you feel “different”).
Cream And Sugar
In some ways, you’re a little old fashioned. You know how to appreciate the simple things. You don’t understand people who go vegan or anything like that — what is life if not about enjoying things now and again?! You want to achieve your goals, but you’re not going to completely sacrifice your happiness to do so.
Soy Milk And Cane Sugar
It should go without saying, but you care about your body (and the planet, which you refer to as Mother Earth, note the capitalization).
Skinny Vanilla Latte
You’re a little A to Z. Some would even call you indecisive. You swing back and forth between desiring over-indulgence and simplicity. You have many goals, but some compete with one another, and the one that wins out shifts every other day.
Frappuccino
You’re here to live life to the fullest. Your bucket list consists of backpacking to Bali with your best friend and skydiving. You have a legitimate crush on a celebrity. You’re not necessarily in your teens, but at heart, always.
Flavored, Seasonal Creamer And A Pinch Of Sugar
You love to indulge in the great things in life, but you know how to keep it balanced. You’re the kind of person who would buy furniture from a legitimate grown up furniture store, but never for more than 80 percent off the retail price. You love to celebrate the holidays, and you’re always looking for something to feel happy about (you never have to look too far).
Americano
You don’t know why you rub people the wrong way sometimes, but you do. If you were a Myers Briggs type, you’d be an ISTJ. You’re not many people’s cup of tea, but you’re at least one person’s shot of vodka, and you’re OK with that. You drink whiskey on the rocks and sleep for 7.34 hours each night.
